Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in goddessflawed's LiveJournal:

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Sunday, May 14th, 2006
7:40 pm	IF If I get that job at Hot Topic I'll get 40% off right on! I really hope I get it!! Mother's Day.. Well I had a good day with the kids and my Mom. My Grandma on the other hand did not have such a great day. She messed her self this morning for the first time and she was very embarrassed about it. It makes me so sad...with everything that is going on right now...it is just so hard on me and everyone. It hurts so bad. I was good in till I came home and now I'm very depressed. I miss how life was before all this. But I am looking up and tomorrow is a new day!! Current Mood: content (Comment on this)
12:23 pm	hello... Sorry about all my babbling last night...my mind is so here and there with my feelings right now. But I have come to the realization that I need to do something with my life. I need a job now I can not wait anymore. So I will be eating the crow today and asking my Aunt to rehire me. Hot Topic will be hiring in june and the manger said she was going to put my app. on the top of the stack. Her name was Melissa and she was awsome. She said I have a great personalty. COOL! So I'm think I can work at my Aunt's in till I see if I get the job at Hot Topic or I'll just do both. Sorry I have not read any of your guys posted...but I just haven't wanted to know about everyones else's pain. I'm being selfish. I miss Melinna so much...I clean my room so when or if she comes back she'll have a bedroom kinda to come back too. Anyways...Sorry bout all the crap last night! I love you guys!! Current Mood: aggravated (Comment on this)
2:32 am	Realiztion Just had a nice long friendship like talk with Adrian and I realized I have been living my life for everyone else. I have been saying things to make everyone else happy. He said "just face it your that person who wants to please everyone else before you please yourself." Which makes me a liar and a hypocrite. So I guess I am liar.WOW!! That's news to me and it hit me like a ton of bricks..but it's true! He said "you need to start living your life for you! Who cares if people think it's wrong or if you break a few hearts on the way to becoming who you want to be." That means alot coming from him.It means he cares about me even if we aren't together anymore. He really is a great person!! So I've been thinking about this and you know what he is right. Why do I feel I need to be this person I am not happy with? Why do I feel the need to make others happy before myself? I am going to try really hard to make myself happy from now on no more saying I'm not going to do this or do that. Because I always end up doing it anyways because it makes me happy... and then everyone calls me lair or looks down on me because they think it is wrong. Well if I'm not using drugs and I am still being a good Mom...then it really isn't anyones right to tell me what I should do or who I should hang out with. Sorry I know this will piss alot of people off but I'm sorry this is my life! And I know you might think I'm going to fucked all up...But I am not and I know in my heart I am not!! I have been thinking really hard about what I am going to do with my life. I know I'm 28 and I'm just thinking about it now!! Well fuck it..at least I'm doing it!! I will get money next week and I will be going to Chino Valley High to finish my G.E.D classes (it's 52 dollars)! And then it's off to Bryman to become a nurse or medical ass. Wait why I am explaining myself again? I thought I just went through how I'm going to start living for me not for everyone else. This all a bunch of babble mind numbing crap! I love you guys!!! BLAH BLAH!! Current Mood: dorky
12:34 am	Why must I do this?? I haven't been on here in a while..But I think I need to get this off my chest... I have not lied about anything to be something other people want me to be. I am me and I am dealing with my stuff in my own way. I am trying to over come these things in my life. I am doing all I can to make this better. I really am...you all are not here you do not see the things I am doing. All anyone sees is what is on the internet...I have not been drinking like I was. Yes I went out this week but did not drink. And if no one believes then I don't know what to tell you guys. I went to Hot Topic today and turned in an app. and spoke to the manger...believe or not! Went to wal-mart during the week. I am doing what I need to do to be a good mother and a good person. I am going through a break after 6yrs. and I am losing my beautiful Grandma, but all anyone seems to see is this boy from riverside and me drinking. No one seems to see that I am hurting so deeply that I feel I am going to break. But I am trying to stay strong for my kids. FYI: Took them to go see Mission Impossible 3 tonight instead of going out with Callie to her Roller Derby thing(yes Callie not Egone which everyone must of thought I was doing since it was in Riverside) Why because I had a great day swimming with them and didn't want it to end. It felt good to spend the day with my boys. Plan on taking them bowling next sat. instead of going to the river with Tanya. Yes everyone I am over this drinking thing and am getting shit back together...Believe it? I really don't care one way or another if you do. I know in my heart that I am not a liar or a user...or anything like that. I am not that person...I know I have had a momentary laps of reason in my life...but I am over coming it. And this will get better!! I know it will!! It makes me feel loved that you care so deeply for me... wish more people did. I'm not sure why I always do these things and I'm not sure why I feel the need to explain myself to everyone all the time. But I do! Mostly to you!! Current Mood: determined
Friday, May 5th, 2006
4:41 pm	Me and My Needle So I thought long and hard today... about a how to get away.. away from all this pain.. I would never use a razor or a blade... no ropes or guns.. No no not that way... I want to feel it pulse, into my veins... Slowly killing the pain.. Taking it all away... O how I dream of that day... When it's just Me and My needle.. and there is nothing more to say... Current Mood: blah (Comment on this)
Friday, April 21st, 2006
1:37 pm	no more pain please? Just got back from seeing my Grandma...she is really bad! Her blood pressure was really low it was like 69 over 42. NOT GOOD! My Grandpa is bad...he does not look good...he isn't eating he is very sad. My Grandma is going and there is nothing we can do. She is in so much pain. It makes me very sad!! I can't talk about it anymore... Current Mood: sad (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, April 20th, 2006
3:40 pm	My birthday and love Debbie is so rad she wants me to come over before the club and have dinner for my birthday and then cake after the club. She is so cool...she really is making me feel so much better then I have been. I'm just bummed Tata(tanya) will be in vegas. At least she will be here the day of my birthday!! I really do feel loved right now...Thank you Debbie!! I miss Melinna too so much!! Current Mood: loved (Comment on this)
3:04 pm	Sat. So I was going to cancel my party on sat. at Empire but sweet ol' Debbie is getting me a cake for a after party at her house. So I guess this means I must go...She is such a good person I am glad I have met her. She also said she would give me a ride home and stuff so no one has to worry about me :D Current Mood: cheerful (Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 18th, 2006
8:04 pm	Did you I do porno? Yes my cousin Manny told my Grandma who is really sick right now...that I have a site were I am naked. Not true!! Thought this guy loved me...I thought he was one of my best friends. WOW!! I'm shocked!! Current Mood: shocked (1 Comment |Comment on this)
12:08 am	My Grandma So my Grandma is in the hospital again. She is really sick...I just hope she is okay. I didn't think my life could get any more stressed then it already is...but I guess it can! Current Mood: sad (Comment on this)
Monday, April 17th, 2006
4:42 pm	Just some of the music that has changed my life! Create your own Music List @ HotFreeLayouts! Current Mood: artistic (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, April 16th, 2006
6:41 pm	This weekend Went with Tanya job hunting....didn't go to Baby Dolls...scared to become a dancer. Were suppose to go to a hockey game...but the tix were for a different night LOL! We didn't even go out...ended up watching Hustle and Flow and went to sleep around 1. Woke up and hide easter eggs for London and watched him look for them...he is so cute! Ate some ham and stuff for dinner and now I'm back here. Had a long talk with Adrian on the phone and I think I'm going to go to school and work. He said he would help with the babysitter/daycare stuff. I really do love him...even though we are not together he is still here for me. He is an amazing person and I am blessed to have him in my life. I am good right now...I think? Current Mood: blah (Comment on this)
Friday, April 14th, 2006
12:16 pm	getting better I thought I was getting better...but now I know I'm not. I miss him...I wish he was here. I cried myself to sleep last night and woke up crying. I am so depressed right now I'm shutting everyone out of my life. I feel as though I'm losing Melinna and Sandra. Because I have been acting like an ass. I feel this need to drink all the time...which is not good. I have been looking for a job though, which is good. I will find one I know I will. I will get better and this will get easier. I just hope I don't turn into to someone everyone hates. I am sorry I have been so fucked up lately...and I promise to to try harder. Please understand that I love you girls so much and I don't know where I would be with out you! Current Mood: sad (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 11th, 2006
2:28 pm	So it really is over... He erased me from all of his pages and his phone etc. etc. It really is over I can not believe it. He is gone! Never thought it would happen...but it did. It's my fault I don't want to change, I don't think I need too. But now I am scared I don't know what to do for money...I can't just go get any job...I need to pay a 1500 rent and alot of bills. I need to feed my kids...I have Raul to help me out, but he said he needs to see me trying he won't just give to me. I understand that I would never ask him to do that. I have never been alone...I am so fucking scared! Maybe I should bag for him to come back and take care of me....I don't know! I know I can do this...just as long as I have people supporting me and giving words of encouragement. I need my friends right now and my family. I just hope I don't push any of them away too! Current Mood: cranky (8 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, April 9th, 2006
10:56 pm	yup Over whelming sense of saddness... Current Mood: sad (2 Comments |Comment on this)
2:43 am	tonight sucked ass! Had two beers...went to dumb ass party! fun stuff! Current Mood: sleepy (Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 4th, 2006
7:47 pm	sick I am sick of this feeling of shame or guilt for what I do. I am no longer living like that. I am now living for myself. If what I do or how I do it doesn't effect my kids and then there it is. When it starts to screw with their lives then I will think twice about it and change what ever it is that is hurting them. Yes I have been going out alot and yes I am no longer with Adrian. Well guess what I am 27 yrs. old...28 in three weeks. I can do what I want when I want. I am not hurting anyone. And if anyone feels I am hurting them...just let me know. I just needed to get that off my chest. Thanks for listening! Current Mood: bitchy (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, March 27th, 2006
1:56 pm	Broken I had a dream I caught you with a needle in your arm Dead on my bathroom floor... I had a dream I lost your soul it went away that day never to came back this way I had a dream I caught you with a needle in your arm with that lie on your face... I had a dream of broken promises and love lost I had dream I caught you with a needle in your arm tears in your eyes sweat on your face... I had a dream of shattered friendships and broken hearts I had a dream I caught you with a needle in your arm Dead on my bathroom floor... Current Mood: artistic (Comment on this)
Sunday, March 26th, 2006
8:38 pm	So it's true Yes my heart just broke into a thousand little pieces right now. My soul has gone away. The love of my life just left and is never coming back. What a way to go! I was told I never loved him...that I don't care about him or his feelings. I think that is funny...I left my husband for him I gave up friends for him. My heart hurts and I don't want to talk about it anymore! Current Mood: sad (2 Comments |Comment on this)
1:04 pm	I hate myself... Got really drunk last night worse then wed.night. Did alot of dumb ass things. Got everyone mad at me who I came with. Broke some girl's heart. Lost my friends favorite beanie. I really thing I was trying to fill some fucked up hole I have in my heart. I am so heart broken it's unreal. I really never thought he would be gone. I never thought it was really over intill yesterday. He said some really mean and fucked things to me and I can't for give him for that. I am so sorry girls. I love you both so much and I would never do anything deliberately to make you mad at me or to hurt you. I would die for you girls. I hope you two aren't that mad! I love you and I'm sorry! Current Mood: depressed (1 Comment |Comment on this)